Battling Long Distance With Relationship OCD

By: Abby Anerella ❤️

There’s only so much advice people can give you about this topic before it starts to feel like you are just hearing the same things over and over again.

In relation to long distance, you get stuck hearing the same things at the same time hoping maybe some of it will make you feel a little bit better, but it never does.

“It’ll be okay”

“You will see each other on breaks”

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder”

“You’ve done it before it will be easier the second time”

“You always have facetime!”

Despite all of this reigning true, it hardly helps.

It wasn’t until this morning I heard something new that I hadn’t heard before. I texted my cousins for some comfort on the fact that I woke up puffy eyed from saying goodbye to Thomas last night.

Me: “Said bye to Thomas last night. Slept in his hockey jersey and the necklace he got me and woke up with puffy eyes”

Chris and Allie: *both thumbs down the message* (valid)

Me: I’m going to see him in November for our 2 year anniversary, but that’s 2 1/2 months away. It’s so sad.

Chris: Think of it the other way… how lucky are you

Me: What do you mean?

Chris: How lucky are you that you have somebody like him? How lucky are you that you are able to go and see him? How lucky are you that you are so in love at such a young age?

This was the first piece of advice I’ve heard related to long distance that actually made me cry happy tears instead of sad ones (Thank you Chris <3)

With many mental health disorders, there is something called a negativity bias. It’s a psychology term for which negative events impact people’s psychological state more than positive ones.

For example, things of good and bad nature can happen in equivalence, but the negative is placed higher on the podium than the positive.

• You get compliments on your outfit the entire day, but one person insults your outfit and that’s all you focus on

• You’re a waitress at a restaurant and get 20% in tips on most of your checks, except for the one person who tipped you 10% and “ruined” your day

Or…

• You’re in a perfectly healthy relationship filled with love and positivity, but your partner just moved 900 miles away and now your day is horrible.

Guilty!

So how do you break the negativity bias? You are in full control of what you choose to focus on and put your energy into. A lot of people forget that a key part to mental health treatment is gratitude (I’m also guilty of this). There’s a reason gratitude journals exist, and why self gratitude eventually makes you feel like you can walk on water. The more you praise yourself and what’s in your life, the less negativity becomes the voice of reason.

This is not to say that being grateful for what’s in your life is the end all be all of mental health treatment. But rather it’s a coping mechanism to make your days seem a little brighter than they were before.

I’m going to be truthful in saying that this morning I still felt like a part of me was missing when I woke up. And no matter how many success stories you read, how many relationship role models you have, or how many times you’ve already been subjected to it, nothing will ever fully prepare you for being so far apart from the person you want to be the closest to you.

Practicing gratitude can only take you so far. Because let’s be honest, sometimes you want to be sad. No one can be happy 100% of the time and THAT’S OKAY!

Throw a little OCD into that mix and you’re first in line to ride the roller coaster of emotions!

As I mentioned in previous blogs, OCD likes to attack your morals, values, identity, and relationships. I’m currently not experiencing this subtype of OCD, but I know to be prepared for it in times like this.

As stated in the “About OCD” page, Relationship OCD is so misunderstood because the intrusive thoughts are very common for people to have. “Am I in the right relationship? Do I see a future with my partner?” All normal… except when it’s unreasonable to be asking yourself those questions. Except when you KNOW one thing, but keep asking yourself the other. Except when it’s so debilitating it interferes with your daily life. If these thoughts were real thoughts, your reaction to them wouldn’t be so visceral.

“How do I know if this is actually OCD?”

By the way your body responds.

Relationship OCD is one of the worst subtypes I’ve experienced. Not only are the thoughts distressing, but the feelings associated with the thoughts are incredibly hard to manage. Accompanied with OCD thoughts are OCD feelings. Something may FEEL so real because of how your body is responding to your mind.

So yes, you can FEEL like you don’t love your partner when you know that you do. You can FEEL that you don’t want to be around them when you know that you do. You can FEEL like you don’t want a future with them when you KNOW that you do.

Key words: “when you know that you do”

Just because OCD tries to convince you of something does not mean you forget what you know.

You aren’t defined by your anxiety, you are defined by your reaction to it.

I know many people reading this might have expected me to tell you how I deal with a long distance relationship and relationship OCD. I’m going to answer that question by telling you I simply just deal with it. I do my best to practice my coping skills (listed under the “About OCD” page) and I deal with the obstacles thrown at me. That’s such a crappy answer, but I also have a crappy disorder. So… maybe it’s the perfect answer?

When it comes to relationship OCD, knowing how much I love Thomas is something I will never forget and something I will always act on. That is how I’m defined. I’m not defined by my OCD and I’m certainly not defined by the thoughts I do not agree with. On top of all that, I know how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

Winnie the Pooh said that… in case you wanted to know. What a smart little guy for someone who doesn’t wear pants.