By: Abby Anerella ❤️
(This week's blog is written by my Dad, Roger Anerella. I asked him to write things from his perspective. Thank you Dad, I love you. <3)
A Proud Father’s perspective
From a very early age I had witnessed things about Abby that were uniquely different than the average child. She always seemed to be years ahead of her age at each stage of her young life. Of course, all proud loving parents would likely say similar things about their children. Having said that, I have never been one to be easily impressed. The obvious things that were observable to me early on with Abby were her intelligence, determination, self-confidence, self-competitiveness, creativity and sense of humor. Once sports became part of her life, it was her natural athleticism and toughness combined with her determination and competitiveness that allowed her to excel at whatever she was playing. When it came to school, she never needed any prodding to do homework or study for tests and always found herself among the top students in any grade level. As she got older, her self-motivated art projects became more and more refined and impressive in detail. Eventually, many of these skills and character traits were all focused on the creation of TikTok videos that combined her attention to detail with dramatic expressiveness and wit and created nearly 200 thousand enthusiastic followers.
The point of saying all of this is that it was very easy for me to be convinced that Abby could excel at whatever she decided to focus her energy on. I guess that gave me a strong sense of confidence that I didn’t need to spend too much time worrying about Abby. She was going to be alright! You know, the basics for a father. Teach her to be independent, to respect herself, treat others with respect and to know she can be anyone she wants to be in life. Besides, I knew Mom was there for her to guide her through the changes and emotions of moving from being a young girl to becoming a young woman.
I first noticed changes in Abby around the time she turned 16. Her self-confidence began to show signs of insecurity and doubt. She became more emotional about things that wouldn’t normally bother her. She was spending more time alone by herself only this time not emerging with some fine piece of artwork after her hours in solitude. I chalked this experience up to nothing more than a child going through the trials and tribulations of life as a girl in high school. Sure, there is a fair amount of ignorance in that thought process and statement, but it is not at all uncommon and when combined with the impact of the major life disruption associated with Covid, it seemed like an obvious reason for the changes. But even with all that, I was sure mom had it all handled. I was also sure that Abby would get through it. Christine ultimately arranged for Abby to begin therapy and it wasn’t too long after that Abby began to find herself again and started showing signs of the Abby she had been her whole life.
Next up was college and the decision of where to go and how far away. Much to our surprise, Abby chose the University of Pitt. This was surprising because we both knew that Abby had always been a bit of a homebody and Pitt was a 5 hour drive away. Having said that, I was very encouraged that it was Abby’s decision to go and experience life further away from the comforts of home. A confirmation of courage and independence.
Abby’s time at school was not easy as she was sick on and off during her entire first semester with various ailments that Christine was guiding her through from home. Of course, this did not stop her from excelling in school as she finished the semester with a 3.9 GPA. However, Christine knew Abby was struggling with something else and mentioned to me several times that she didn’t think it was good for Abby to be so far away. Without the benefit of Abby confiding in me what she was with her mom, I chalked it all up to a typical college adjustment period and said, “If Abby wants to change schools, she will tell us.”
My casual attitude abruptly changed when I heard the fear in Abby’s voice through tears and high anxiety when she called home in frightening distress just 4 days after returning to Pitt for her second semester. I immediately prepared to leave the house to drive to her and bring her home while she was still on the phone with Christine. As I drove in panic and turned a 5 hour ride into 4, I realized my eyes were now fully open to something much bigger and more alarming as I no longer had a way to casually reason away what was happening.
That reality was confirmed when Abby’s original therapist acknowledged she couldn’t help any further and that Abby needed more specialized therapy. That specialized therapy came in the form of an intensive outpatient program at the Anxiety institute in Madison NJ. With a formal OCD diagnosis, we began the journey together. I reflected back quite a bit at how I missed what Abby was going through. She hid it from me pretty well while she was trying to cope on her own and it was just too much for her to handle. Did I miss more obvious signs? What would have happened if Abby didn’t have the courage to talk openly about what she was going through. I couldn’t help but feel incredibly lucky that we got to this point and it wasn’t too late.
It was a very scary thing to come to grips with knowing that OCD is not something that can be cured. As we participated in weekly sessions with other parents talking about their fears and experiences, the common denominator seemed to be “when will I know when my child is suffering and struggling with OCD vs when they are just being an adolescent child dealing with societal pressures and the natural stresses of dealing with life changes”. “when will I know they are better”. In the end it was really just loving parents wanting to know that their children will be ok. These are all children dealing with OCD who have parents that are there for them, loving them and trying to help them get better. It makes me think about all those who don’t have that support system but are still struggling with the same ailment. I think “changing the stigma” can go a long way toward helping anyone who is struggling and perhaps even more so for those who don’t already have a strong support network.
As terrifying as it is to be a parent of a child who is suffering from a mental health illness that there is no cure for, I have been able to take comfort in knowing with the right help, tools and a strong support network, those who struggle can find their way back to being in control of their lives and their happiness. In Abby’s case, she really wanted to seek help. We didn’t have to convince her or push her toward it. I was able to take comfort in knowing that she wanted to get help and was determined to do what she needed to do. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.
While Abby was at AI, she became a bit of a big sister to others in the program. As I listened to her talk at her graduation ceremony and I listened to the comments about her from others in the program I was completely overcome with emotion and pride as the reality of the whole experience hit me at once. I was overwhelmed with the notion that although she was suffering, she was right there helping others at the same time. I couldn’t even speak when it was my turn to say something.
I am not at all surprised that having emerged from the program with a set of coping tools and perspective, Abby is now taking aim at trying to help others more broadly. As I said before, when she focuses her energy on something, the results are impressive. I could not possibly be more proud of her not only for having the courage to speak openly and honestly about her OCD and for managing to get herself to this point, but for also wanting to do everything she can to help others.
If her “Change the Stigma” attention and energy finds just one individual who is struggling and helps them acknowledge what they are going through and gives them the courage to seek help, it will be a massive success. I am certain it will do a lot more than that.
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