By: Abby Anerella ❤️
I’ve been wanting to get a tattoo for a while, but never felt anything worthy enough of putting on my body for the rest of my life. Plus, I knew if I were to propose the idea of a tattoo to my parents, it had to be a good one.
About 4 months ago I had ordered a new hydro flask that I was trying to find stickers for. I stumbled upon a sticker on red bubble that looked like this:
The title of the sticker said “OCD Awareness”. I was confused about the ribbon in the sticker because I thought it was for cancer awareness. It wasn’t until I took to Google that I found that this turquoise ribbon is actually the ribbon for OCD awareness. This is when I got the idea for my tattoo.
I wanted to dedicate my tattoo to my journey with OCD. If I was going to have something on my body for the rest of my life, I wanted it to serve as a reminder of my strength that I could look at when I need the extra push of hope for the day.
The term “live uncertain” may be confusing for some, so I wanted to take the time to explain its meaning…
With OCD recovery, one of the most important things that you are taught to embrace is uncertainty… but… it is also one of the hardest things to embrace. The reason OCD intrusive thoughts get so sticky for those struggling with the disorder, is that they crave certainty. They want to be 100% sure that what they are thinking can absolutely never happen. However, this is a distorted mindset that will lead to an even more distorted reality. The truth is, no one person can ever be 100% certain about anything. It’s true! You can never guarantee what tomorrow will bring you. You can never guarantee your future. The only thing that you can guarantee is how you live your life presently to allow for positive memories of your past.
We live in a world of the unknown, and that alone is scary. If you put OCD aside for a second, and focus on GAD (general anxiety disorder), this concept may be a little bit easier for you to understand. Those with GAD, also crave certainty. Whatever you may be anxious about, will go away when you get the outcome that you are longing for. Someone with test anxiety wants a guaranteed good grade. Someone with public speaking anxiety wants a guaranteed successful presentation. Someone with social anxiety wants a guaranteed non-awkward conversation. Even these things can never be guaranteed. You can study for a week straight and still fail a test. You can know a presentation like the back of your hand and end up as a deer in the headlights. You can replay conversations in your head on repeat and still have an awkward conversation. These things are normal. Nothing is guaranteed in this life, nothing is ever for certain.
When I texted my mom about my tattoo idea, she responded and said, “I’m not sure I understand ‘live uncertain’”. I’m not going to lie, this ended up leading to an argument. My mom was looking at the saying as a negative thing. I was trying to explain to her that it's positive. “You can be certain about who loves you and who you love. You can be certain about your family and that they will always be there for you. You can be certain about…” My answer to this is yes and no. You can be 99.9999% sure of these things, but there is still that .0001% that you can’t be guaranteed of. Something may happen in the future that may make you change your mind. Likely? No. Impossible? No. This is the true meaning of embracing uncertainty and learning to live uncertain. It doesn’t mean to accept that someday somewhere down the line these things will reign true. It simply means to accept that your future will forever and always be unknown and you cannot change that. No matter how much you think, how much you worry, how much you ask for reassurance, no one’s future is ever guaranteed. Learning to live uncertain means you understand this. It doesn’t mean you have to like it, and it most definitely does not mean it is an easy thing to do. I struggled for 3 years before uncertainty gave me peace instead of worry.
When I took to Instagram and posted my tattoo, this was my caption…
“Humans are built to believe that in order to understand yourself, you have to be certain about the kind of person you are, or the kind of person you want to be. When in reality, no one person can be 100% certain about what tomorrow will bring or what kind of future lies ahead of them.
To live uncertain means to accept possible success, as well as possible defeat. Your journey doesn’t move forward until the past is put behind you, the future is kept for the future, and the present is embraced.
No one knows what the next day will bring them, and that’s okay. Throughout all your bad days, shine a light on the fact that tomorrow will always be there for you. And whether you have plans for tomorrow or not, the day will always bring something new you didn’t account for.
It takes time to accept the fear and discomfort associated with uncertainty and learning to live uncertain. Just remember it always gets better and you are stronger than your anxiety/OCD.
Three little hearts drawn by the people I love the most, and who have helped me through my journey.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart… live in the question.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Live uncertain.”
The “live uncertain” is written in my handwriting. From left to right, the hearts drawn by my family members include my Dad, my Mom, and my brother.
When thinking about my tattoo, this saying just seemed right. I put it on my right hip, and not just because I thought it was aesthetically pleasing. Whenever I go to bed at night and my anxious thoughts instill nausea, I wrap my arm around my stomach like I am giving myself a hug. My hand drapes over the direct spot where I put my tattoo. I never told anyone that until now, so you’re welcome for that little story.
When I look in the mirror on my hardest days, it can be hard to remind yourself of all the positive contributions you have made to your mental health. Looking in the mirror and seeing my tattoo with my handwriting, and the writing of my family members, makes this reminder a little easier to remember.
“You may not control all the events that have happened to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them”
- Maya Angelou
P.S. Enjoy this photo that Thomas took of me while I was getting my tattoo 🙂
And yes, I bought the sticker.
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