By: Abby Anerella ❤️
I was reached out to on Instagram by a girl who had asked me to write this because she too was struggling. For the girl who dmed me on Instagram, I hope you find this blog helpful, it’s for you.
The issue with OCD that no one ever seems to understand is that you can KNOW that your thoughts aren’t real, but they FEEL like they are. Trying to explain this to people who have never felt what you have before is close to impossible, and you can only hope that somewhere down the road your broken words start to form sentences.
One of the first things I ever said to my therapist when I started my IOP was, “why do I know what I’m thinking isn’t real, but it feels so real?” She smirked at me. I could tell she got this question a lot. That smile alone calmed my nerves a little bit. I wasn’t alone.
She explained to me what she liked to call “the movie theater analogy”. I wrote about the movie theater analogy in my first blog, so I’m going to copy what I had written then for some of you who may not have read my first blog… “What most people don't know about OCD is that the reason it gets so sticky is because it feels so real. It feels so real because your body is reacting to your thoughts as if they are reality based. Similar to how you react to movies or tv shows like they are real. Jump scares, a fast heart beat, an attachment to a fictional character, built up anger at the antagonist. OCD works in the same way, the only difference is that in real life, you can get up and leave the movie theater or turn the tv off. But with OCD, it's the one in charge of the remote (spoiler: it never uses the "off" button).”
I found this a very hard concept to grasp. How can you know one thing, and feel something completely different? But, for those who don’t have OCD, this is the exact reason the disorder is so debilitating.
I asked my therapist, “if they feel so real, how do I fix that? Every time I try to ignore what I’m feeling it gets worse.”
Time for a little Abby backstory…
Growing up I was always a very emotional person (I still am clearly lol). I always relied on my emotions to guide me in the right directions. Something made me happy? I went towards it. Something made me angry? I confronted it. Something made me sad? I avoided it. This is how I always lived my life. I always made my decisions based on how I felt, rather than what I knew to be logical. And for my whole life, this lifestyle never bit me in the butt… until… obsessive compulsive disorder gave me a run for my money.
My therapist had explained to me that I was always a girl who had put 100% of my faith into attributing my feelings to reality. I never had a reason not to do that. Some could say I took the saying, “follow your heart” a little too seriously.
When your thoughts feel real, the best way to deal with them is to separate feelings from reality. Your feelings are not facts. They are reactions based on your external environment. If you are stuck on the same intrusive thought going into a downward spiral, guess what your body is going to feel? That your thoughts are true. But we also know that thoughts aren’t reality either. They are just thoughts. Your thoughts aren’t defined by your feelings, but by your reaction to them.
My therapist had told me time and time again that I put too much trust into my emotions. She coached me for 5 months before I started to understand what she was really saying to me. Every time I tried to practice mindfulness, my coping skills, etc. I would go to therapy the next day and cry to her that I couldn’t FEEL that what I was doing was working. But it’s not about feeling that what you’re doing is working. It’s not about feelings at all. It’s about putting trust into yourself that the actions you are making now contribute a brighter future.
Truthfully, sometimes I laugh now at my thoughts at how ridiculous they are. I still struggle with some because of how strong the emotional attachment is to them, but for the most part, I have an intrusive thought and go, “nice one, what’s next?”.
To the girl who dmed me on Instagram,
You will fail. You will succeed. You will feel. You will be numb. You will cry. You will smile. You will laugh. You will scream. You will get through it. What you are experiencing now is just a small sliver of your life in the bigger picture. Your thoughts will feel real, THAT IS OKAY. Accept them. Accept them as bizarre. Accept them as uncomfortable, icky, odd, disgusting. Accept how they make you feel, and engage in your present life how YOU want to live it. Take the power out of the hands of OCD. Feelings aren’t facts. Actions are. I know how scary it feels to be in a place that you feel like you don’t have the tools to climb out of. This will pass. When your thoughts feel too scary, too uncomfortable, too REAL, take a deep breath. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself, and go kick ass in the REAL world. The second you start imagining, you have already crossed the bridge over from reality. It’ll be okay, acceptance is OCD’s worst enemy (we like OCD’s worst enemy).
By far the worst part about OCD that I have experienced is the way it makes me feel. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve looked in the mirror and saw a girl who was not me. The only way I was able to get through it was through acknowledgement and trust. Your outside people can help you as much as they want, but true progress doesn’t come until you put your trust into yourself. Try your best to resist giving into your compulsions, they do you more harm than good.
I’m sitting in the airport right now outside my gate waiting to board. I’m going to visit Thomas. The anticipation of seeing him is combated by nerves. “What if my OCD flares up when I’m with him?” I’ve been here way too many times, and the question doesn’t feel any less scary. What I do know is this, if my OCD flares up, I have the tools to deal with it. If my OCD makes me want to isolate, I have the tools to deal with it. I will be around someone who I love with all my heart, and the only thing I value during this trip is how much I want to express that to him. No matter how I may feel. The trust I have in my heart gives me peace.
“The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.”
Hug who you see in the mirror.
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